You Are Never Alone
Don't be late again. You are being watched.
That's what that Snowden guy is trying to tell you.
The Lizards Are Real
I don't mean metaphorically, either. This is the truth and the truth is you were born just to die
The lizards know this.
Blink once and you'll miss them but they've got your number, pal. You can't overthrow them or anything and one day you'll discover that there are no more cornflakes and no more iPads and no more lilly pads either. No more for you and me but the lizards will still still have them. And exotic pets, too.
Lizards are everywhere. Just look!
This man will try to sell you a car that's been cut in half and stuck back together.
This man will try to convince you that the secret to weight loss is by drinking his patented elixir twice a day.
Your mother tried to warn you about people like this but she told so many lies and gave so much bad advice that you just don't listen to anything she says anymore.
Your Mother Tried To Warn You
Yes, you hated those origami classes and when you made a funny face and the wind changed nothing happened. You smoked those sweet
smelling cigarettes behind the school's portacabins and you set fire to your passport.
How betrayed you felt. You will never trust anyone again...
...or so you thought until those well-coiffed gentlemen sold you a car and a personal weight-loss system.
Your Life Is Brought To You By A Powerless Man Working In A Mine
I need a new phone, my camera isn't good enough. I've got ants in my pants.
You owe everything to that man but you can't even bear to think about him or his poor wife and his emaciated kids.
All he wants to do is come to your country, hanging to the undercarriage of an undersea train. All he wants to do is come here and
live on the dole and get a passport so his wife can come too and his kids, so they can eat your taxpayers' money. Anbd then he will
eat you too and your fat wife and your ungrateful kids who have to use a hand cranked dynamo to power the Xbox because that bastard
left the mine.
You have no power and he has no power. The kids have to crank the dynamo for an hour to get five minutes of Xbox time. This is the end of civilisation. Just wait 'til the next election. Then you can show them who's boss!
Eternal Bliss
This woman has the key to eternal bliss but can't quite find the words to tell us about it.
God! That's so frustrating. You know what, even if she could just fucking tell me about transitory bliss or a more-or-less imperceptible
moment of smug satisfaction, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Why is taxpayer's money being spent on allowing her to live
at the Ritz and type away on her grandmother's Smith-Corona while people like you struggle to make the monthly payments on your Bently?
This country is never going to pull out of the recession if people like this just sit around all day.
She should take a leaf out of this bloke's book:
He's taking care of things. You listen to him. Don't take "No" for an answer.
Don't let the GP fob you off about that urethra infection. Don't stop and talk the the young girl with big boobs who wants to sign you up to donate to starving Sudanese children. They need to take responsibility for themselves. They will only end up immigrating to London anyway and signing on and taking the homes of our own scroungers who refuse, adamantly, to work for less than minimum wage. It serves them right for being to lazy to go to Eton. Don't let it slip at work that you might be promoted above a guy that's been there twice as long as you. Don't get bogged down in the minutae. Cheese is the fuel of empire. Don't listen to those whinging hippies who just can't wait to climb up a power station. Don't let the dogs out at night. Don't bet on the Grand National. Don't listen to Radio Four. Don't fear the reaper.
Apparently, this year's Glastonbury was one of the best:
Music fans enjoy Mumford & Sons' heart-warming set.